Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
