I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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