I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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