eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
