I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
