so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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