Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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