My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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