He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
This baby is an asshole
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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