hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
