So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I think my moral compass just broke
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
