I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
