you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
