You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The beer is more important than you right now.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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