My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
