I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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