wakey wakey hands off snakey
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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