I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
