Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
