Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
How does one acquire holy water?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
