Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
