oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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