I hope mine doesn't look like that
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
