i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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