This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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