I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
