my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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