So drunk, too bad you don't want this
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
