i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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