you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
