The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
