i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
you never un-have a 4some
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
