I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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