CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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