i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i think my cat just said my name.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize