T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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