since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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