Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
