and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
