I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
