From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
