Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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