i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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