Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
where does the pee come out of this thing
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
