I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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