apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
