You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
