The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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