I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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