our cab driver is having phone sex.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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