I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
