there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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