happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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