My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
