1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
