I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
