Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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