my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
