All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
