he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
