well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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