I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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