The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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