i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
